I’ve decided, after a great deal of back and forth, confusion, anxiety and excitement, to update my kitchen. Originally (the journey has progressed for many months) I thought I’d purchase and install new appliances only. But then the cabinets – custom designed, circa 1980 – would appear even more out of place than they already do. As would the Formica countertops and backsplash.

How much did I want to spend? How long would I be living in this house? Was the juice worth the squeeze considering the time, dust, and drudgery I would endure, to say nothing of the money spent?

Yes, I decide again with dubious conviction, it is worth it. We locate a kitchen designer. She is big and talks a lot, often about things other than my kitchen. Perhaps she’s friendly, lonely, maybe unwell. She starts wining about money, mine, which she wants immediately and signing contracts that involve my heirs and their heirs.

She’s aggressive and paranoid but it takes me time to shift my anxiety from myself back to her, which in this case is squarely where it belongs.

And then I, which I’m apt to do, start doubting my conclusions and instincts. Maybe I’m paranoid, and overly cautious?

In the world I inhabit, her behavior is neither customary nor endearing. I start to decode said behavior (a hazardous throwback to my ‘minor in psychology’ college days). She must have been badly burned, perhaps not receiving payment for work completed. She must have been treated unfairly. She must…

But why? Is she doing a sub-par job? Is she making careless, expensive, time consuming errors? Is she incompetent?

Whatever she is, she’s not for me. Since I’ve made the decision to go forward without her, I feel lighter, happier, less stressed. Sometimes the answer to making myself feel better is right in front of me. Odd how blind I can be to something ostensibly obvious. The other lesson is (I can’t begin to tell you how many times I’ve learned and forgotten this one!) to stop ignoring or doubting my instincts. I seem to have to prove their correctness before I take heed. Not the point of an instinct.

Besides my birthday is this weekend and I have everything to feel wonderful about. New kitchen or not, it’s time to celebrate and, my blogoshere friends, that is precisely my intention.


About wendykarasin

I am complicated and seeking - joy and sorrow, country and city, competition and cooperation. After behavior of a gregarious nature, I require down time to refuel. My loves are children, family, friends, reading, writing, blogging, fitness, and health. I feel most alive when I stay true to my core values. Beauty makes me happy, pain helps me grow.
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