I’ve decided to forgive myself. I have generations of women I’m carrying along with me. That’s okay, they deserve forgiveness too.
It’s been a long time coming as forgiveness – in my case – is also tied up with being in the present. Not forgiving myself had the unintended consequence of keeping me stuck in my past and in my mind’s future. This recurring predicament happened because I too easily slipped into those time slots as though they were current. In these time/space continuums, I’d allow a past or possible future issue to live in my present and alter my equilibrium.
This forgiveness, which has taken me so long to achieve, and which I know is more than a one time occurrence, I simply chose to grant myself. Today.
I want to spend my time in the present, the here and now. This lesson has piggybacked on the forgiveness lesson, both needing acknowledgment and acceptance to show themselves. I fought the idea of forgiveness partly because I didn’t know how to achieve it. I was in the past where I could not affect change, or in the future where I had no power.
This is a lesson I have learned and forgotten more than once. I was acutely aware of time when my parents were terminally ill because being in the present was the only timing that mattered. The severity of the situation helped keep me there, it was more circumstantial than zen on my part. Still, I experienced it. Then life settled down, and back I went to old familiar ways of being.
On January 20th, I will be celebrating a five year anniversary with the man I plan to spend the rest of my life with.
When my mother told me shortly before her death that I should be with someone who has integrity, is generous, accepts my children, and treats me like a queen – I understood but that didn’t make it happen any sooner. It took another two years. Get thee not riled my feminist friends- being someone’s queen is not a bad thing, it’s glorious when offered authentically. It can signify devotion, love, and respect.
And most of us, men and women alike, deserve that.
My mother, you may remember, was one of the first women other than nurses to join the US Army so her feminism and heroism and courage must not be misjudged. She was exceptional, political, difficult, honest and she loved me without reservation.
So for now, feeling content and protected in the moment is where I choose to remain. I’ll also work to stay conscious so as not to give myself a hard time when I realize I have not. I will meditate, gently make corrections, and continue along the road. Sometimes you have to take a breath, stay committed and open, and see what happens.