Sliding into hazy phases, like the one I’ve inhabited since the end of last week, leave me baffled. I accept my status, more from not knowing what else to do than being enlightened and non-judgmental. Thinking and acting are hampered, like a gelatinous cotton-ball has overtaken my brain. There is little to do but wait. For what? For my mind to reappear, the gelatinous cotton-ball to shrink, a sense of passion to return.
One might believe, after spending this much time on the earth, that dealing with certain cycles becomes easier. More familiar, yes – easier, no. Every once in a while I go through an introspective phase on a grand scale. I question my activities, my motives, my very existence. And it gets heavy. But this isn’t that. Those biggies have their place, usually before a massive emotional growth spurt, but this is different. Smaller in scale, less psychic turmoil, yet persistent like a buzzing mosquito reappearing no matter how many times I swat at it.
Two helpful hints I’ve found for moving beyond this frame of reference are: managing my expectations – which can get away from me without my knowledge and returning to the present moment. Moving too far in the directions of my past and future, can bring depression or anxiety, respectively. Taking my own advice, I shall swing into the routines of my day. The holiday season can put pressure on us to feel and look happy. A simulated reality: snowflake bulbs along Main Street, caroling, nicely wrapped presents, the promise of a better year to come. Sometimes, simulated reality can disappoint.