Wendy Karasin – Musings of a Boomer

Last week felt interminable (perhaps it was the heat), close friends are having a hard time, and I haven’t slept well in two days. It requires precious energy to keep my thoughts and feelings compartmentalized, so they do not take me over, entirely. This sometimes happens when I don’t slip the proper filter in place to handle the problems that occur in the lives of those close to me.

Today, I plan to lay low and handle only what I must, to remind myself that I’m fine, and that this too shall pass. Tomorrow is another day, and likely a better one (especially if I sleep well tonight). In my present state of mind I also plan on making NO important decisions.

I’m feeling better already! Perhaps I can salvage what is left of the day. Thank you for listening.

What I have learned:

Life breaks through the membrane of my protective beliefs, regardless of how strongly I hold them. I can survive great amounts of pain, and therefore joy, and keep going. Missing my parents (and others) does not deter me from appreciating life and being happy. I can handle arising challenges, even when I am certain I cannot. When peace is elusive, I ratchet my energies up to find it. I am bigger than I thought or imagined. Life is worth it. 

July 18 was my father’s birthday. Were he still here, he would have been 88 today. I took a few moments this morning, to quietly commune with, and reflect about, him. I miss him, there’s no getting around that. He continues to ring my outdoor patio chimes, and he will live on, in my and my brothers’ memories. 

Cleaning out my nightstand produced loads of pictures, many of them with my dad. Little snapshots in time: at camp when I was 10, various graduations, my wedding, he and my step-mom Lil with my children. It is almost incomprehensible that they are no longer here. 

I do not want to get maudlin, and this is where a spiritual perspective is helpful. If they are somewhere out there, no matter how nebulous a concept that may be, then they aren’t fully gone. 

With this in mind, accompanied by a strong dose of love, I wish my father a very happy 88th birthday! 

“Aging is a marathon if you make it. It creeps up slowly; a tired look, a slower walk, a shadowing fear. That is how it looks, peering in. Observing my parents is seeing aging – a process well along its path. It is subtle, like relatives who visit once a year and remind you that the kids have grown. When you live with them, that growth is indiscernible, every day holding so imperceptible a difference, you hardly notice. And yet – your relatives are right – the kids have grown. And my parents have aged. What did I think was happening? Maybe I just didn’t think.”

Excerpt from my forthcoming book.

I had the most wonderful, serendipitous day. My usual yoga class had a different teacher, I arrived 5 minutes late (because I was involved in phone call returns) and still the class had not begun. I felt a strange mix of stress and liberation at not arriving on time.

Upon returning home, I was rushing to handle chores and get to my 1 o’clock lunch appointment with one of my mom’s closest friends. I adore her, and haven’t seen her in far too long. She made a delicious lunch (she always does) and we had a comfortable and stimulating afternoon. She is sweet and wise and our conversations range from religion to politics to relationships to philosophy. In between our visits, I forget how much I miss her.

When I returned home (again), minutes ago, I found out that an excel class I thought was tomorrow evening, is tonight. I am racing to write this post, feed my cat and myself, and get to the class on time. 

Life feels like a fast roller coaster ride today. Riding this wave (not resisting) I travel until I arrive safely, once again, on the shoreline. 

My mother taught me what unconditional love felt like. This did not mean her behavior felt loving every moment of our 58 years together, we certainly had our share of disagreements, but beneath that surface layer, she stood steady. I cannot think of a single time (how is that possible?) that push come to shove, she wouldn’t have barreled across any mountain or person, to save me. I never doubted her love, although I did manage to doubt her at times. An interesting aspect of (unconditional) love, is that it doesn’t always look the way we expect it to. It would have been more difficult to embrace my own role as Mom, had I not experienced the love of my mother. 

My father taught me to trust myself. He bolstered my confidence by believing in me so fully that it felt counter-intuitive not to agree with him. I grew up with a strange mix of insecurity and bravado (do we all?) which was confusing to reconcile even though it worked. Eventually I learned to hold both traits, side by side, in the larger container that was me, which allowed for a more multi-faceted awareness. Sometimes, more so in my younger years, trusting myself was a difficult task, and I would look outward for answers. Those were my insecurities talking. Now I listen to others, throw their comments into the hopper and allow some marinating time before I make my decision. Because right or wrong at any particular moment, I still trust me.

This is intended for the young people who read my blog (although, the more I think about it, that intention can spread to any age). There is a caveat to yesterday’s post. Steve Job’s quote is powerful, but then what? I do not think we have to love our lives daily, and I believe there is a larger picture upon which to focus. Do we like our lives mostly, and are we doing what we can to move in the direction we feel is best for ourselves and our loved ones? We all have tough days, cranky days, tired days, days that drain us. Those days are no less useful because they assist us in defining more closely what we do want. Each decision we make is a step nearer to or further from something else. Finding what we are particularly good at, and creating space in our lives to nurture that, is necessary for our long-term satisfaction. We rarely have control over all the variables that arise, so if we can be with what goes on, day in and day out, calmly, without trying to push a specific outcome, but with the understanding of our intention, I believe circumstances will, with all the necessary fits and starts that come with honing, work out.