Wendy Karasin – Musings of a Boomer

My parents were exceptional and complex people. Their marital problems did not belong to me, but as a child living with them, it felt as though they did. Divorce strove to unhinge every consideration my family held dear, a deadly anthrax looking to kill joy, peace of mind and stability. Divorce proved itself a worthy enemy. It took a long time before my parents and I were able to sweep divorce from our doorstep – in word, in process, and in aftermath.

I am sorry my children had to experience their parents’ divorce. it is confusing, separating your parents from what they do. My father and mother were in love. They were political, they held convictions of honor and equality, I was proud of my parents and their ideals. 

As a young child I went on peace marches, heard about Paul Robeson concerts, and went to the best camp this side of the Mississippi. My life was cocooned in a powerful sense of unity. We were united in music, politics, philosophy. My parents placed great value on education, critical thinking and debate. They were not afraid of, or against, disagreement or dissension. They welcomed it as a learning tool and honing experience. In one fell swoop, they managed to teach me to respect my own, and another’s, values and opinions.

My parents – their genes and their nurture – have had a profound effect on who I am and what I believe. I am however clear that my life is my responsibility and no belief I hold is above scrutiny or reconsideration. The information learned from my parents is still in the process of being digested and absorbed. To their credit, I will probably be doing this as long as I live. They have been wonderful, albeit different, forces in my life. By acknowledging my mother and father, I keep them close. It is healing. connecting, and life affirming.

If we are lucky, love may permeate our lives in so many forms; lasting love, affection and compassion, friendship, good will, brother and sisterhood, kindness, devotion.

Love is a unifying agent. As such it helps us to feel safe and cared for, like we matter, which allows us to more easily pass forward these feelings and behaviors to another, assisting them in feeling safer, cared for, and like they matter. In so doing, the opportunity to enrich our own, and another’s, life arises again and again. What we authentically feel for ourselves, we may share with others.

Love comes in unlimited quantities, we never suffer a shortage, although there are times we must protect and care for ourselves, which would qualify as self love. Love (which by any other name would smell as sweet) can come from many sources and may feel dissimilar, but a sincere sense of love is hard to disguise if we allow ourselves a visceral response. 

Ultimately, regardless of its origination, once we internalize, choose and own it – it is ours to have, and give, freely.

It is a busy, lazy day – my favorite kind. I know busy and lazy sound contrary, but they needn’t be. I have appointments and phone consults scheduled into the early evening, but everything is spaced with enough time separating activities that there is no hurry, no rush. I am able to feel productive, without feeling stressed. 

Last night our big family dinner, joined by the girlfriend’s (of whom I am writing more and more) of my sons, felt comfortable and easy. Ten of us packed around my dining room table, with lots of wine (red and white), food, and (mostly) healthy desserts. The connections we are formulating are fun and potentially powerful.

I am leaving my home in a few minutes to take a walk with an old friend to discuss life, love and the written word. It is an hour of exercise and communication. The rest of the day has me in and out of appointments and chores. 

I am wrestling with how to publish and promote the book I wrote after my parents’ deaths. An experience so transformative, that I feel the need to get the message out. Were it simple, many more would be doing it successfully. I know the journey is no less a part of the process than the production, so I work to reign in my annoyance and/or frustration, take a (very) deep breath, and consider, peacefully, what I want to add to this year’s book of life.

When we celebrate a religious holiday, are we honoring the religiousness of the event, giving ourselves the excuse to gather family and friends for a homemade meal and time spent together, or extending prayers and beautiful ceremonial candle lightings? 

Today is a day to clean my house, go to the green market for fresh vegetables and fruit for salads and dessert, cook, set the table with china from ancestors past and real silver. Cloth napkins in varying designs, never matching, make the graceful statement of rebellion and acceptance. 

There is a haphazard routine to this practice. I am not a religious woman, yet I continue holiday (and non holiday) gatherings as a way to reconnect over wine, hors d’oeuvres, and stories shared. We create memories. I know how vitally important these are because no holiday slides by without remembering my grandparents, parents, aunts and uncles, cousins. And oddly, there is something inherently comforting and life affirming in the repetition. 

I begin my day pleased with the tasks that await my attention, and overjoyed at the prospect of being with my loved ones in my home. Times like these, allow me to feel, and pass forward, a deep appreciation for life.

What is it about the loss of loved ones that allows us to go through the unthinkable pain we do and emerge stronger on the side of life?

We will likely never forget these people who played such pivotal roles in our development. They are an ingrained aspect of who we are, making it difficult to separate where they end and we begin.  Therefore, we don’t separate, we carry them within for the rest of the ride that is our life. They are adopted and woven into the very fabric of our being. They never leave us, and so, in some indistinct way, they live on.

At times, a sense of their presence can be so enormous it feels impossible that they are not here. At times, they migrate restrained and unimposing, to a back section of the stage.

Are they an entity appearing at will or are they part of our thoughts and imagination manifesting? Does it even matter? More important, I believe, is that our existence brings these individuals to life, if only through the memory of a gesture, thought or song. What a lovely way for those we love to stay around and keep us company for the rest of our lives, and perhaps, beyond. 

Today’s post falls into the category of free association. I hadn’t pre-planned it, which I ordinarily do, so here we go. Yesterday, late morning, I drove to Connecticut to spend Labor day weekend with my significant other. The drive usually takes one and a half hours, but took almost double that time. I then ran directly to my appointments at a new salon (tough life, I know), had dinner and a glass of wine (which almost put me to sleep) and saw the movie, The Miller’s. Cute, but not a real discussion starter. 

This morning is a cloudy beginning to the holiday weekend, but it doesn’t faze me. We have plans to go out to dinner this evening with friends, we will be going to the US Open Saturday (very excited about that!), Sunday we are having dinner at a local farm cooperative, and Monday I will be driving home (hopefully not in the same amount of traffic I drove here in.) 

I am still putting time and attention into how to proceed with my book, and I’m open to suggestions on the topic. It is the largest project I have presently, and I take its completion most seriously. I understand there is a time and space construct in which life (projects included) occurs, and sometimes that must be honored above the one I create. There is usually a reason for this that I am not privy to at a particular point in time. So, once again, I am taught the importance of patience as the process of life unfolds, offering me the forgiving allowance of additional time and breadth in which to field what unfurls. Living in uncertainty has its drawbacks and its privileges. 

Enjoy your weekend and I will see you again Tuesday!